And what we mean, we say, and what we would, we know.

Recommended Read: 
The Buried Life by Matthew Arnold.

15 days into a new year, and I think I can safely say its a year of change.
Big change.
Tough change.
Good change?
Change.


They even want to change the Zodiac.
Ok. That's where I think the universe is pushing it.
Like what's with the new constellation, man. Or woman! Or whatever.
Take it back!


As you can see,
I'm not the biggest fan of "change".
But in my defense, when it comes to the stars...
I've always taken pride in being one of the cardinals.
Being the fire sign, pioneering the pack... yada yada. 
I just thought it was cool and I've had almost a complete 22 years to get used to it and convince myself that nothing could be cooler. (For me, that is.)
Now they expect me to warm up to being a fish.
Sigh.


It is what it is.
You're really who you choose to be at the end of the day.
And if  the stars spell fish, I'll be a fish with Rammy tendencies.
My pointless prattle is going somewhere... 
really.


I've spent that last fortnight pushing myself to bring about a change in my ways that,
I could lie and say, has been a long time coming...
or tell the truth and say, I've always known I've needed but somehow consistently managed to fool myself into believing I had good reason not to have brought it about yet.
Having said that, I'll go with the truth.
The truth is, it's hard.
I've slipped up.
But mostly, stuck to my guns.


I miss going with the flow and I fight (very strongly) the urges to reconnect, catch up, chill out or just call people. All things that I consider important, but in my current circumstance just translate to waste of time.
I think I'm probably in the process of learning big "life lessons".
I know it sounds all "trying to be deep" and shit. 
But honestly, with this process of decluttering, I've found a little bit of clarity. 
I enjoy being spontaneous.
Doing what I feel like doing, in the moment. 
Saying exactly what I want to say.
And I revel in the beautiful confusion and colourful blur that evolves because of it,
dealing with the consequences as and when they come in whatever fashion.
Calling it a lesson learned (or not quite)... just another experience.
And now suddenly there are schedules with rows and columns and divided hours.
So much structure.
Such a regiment.
One that, if stuck to, would leave little scope for much to go wrong.
Yet, somehow... more sleep. More work done.
Greater belief that maybe with a little conviction, the task/s at hand aren't insurmountable at all.
Maybe, being like the wind isn't the only way to be. (Even if you have dreams of Swayze singing the song exclusively for you.)
Being firmly rooted comes with a strength, stability and pride of it's own.


It's strange how the things we initially resist, grow on us.
Then the reasons for which we resisted seem delusive,
but at the time, they really weren't at all.
Life calls for change all the time.
And it's up for grabs.
I guess it's really up to each of us, to decide when we're ready for our helping.
Sometimes you just don't have a choice.
That variable constant.
Forever rocking the  boat. 


"And a lost pulse of feeling stirs again.
The eye sinks inward, and the heart lies plain,
And what we mean, we say, and what we would, we know.
A man becomes aware of his life's flow..."