"And a lost pulse of feeling stirs again.
The eye sinks inward, and the heart lies plain,
And what we mean, we say, and what we would, we know.
A man becomes aware of his life's flow..."
I was thinking today about how I haven't 'really' blogged in a while..
Not that there's anything wrong with that. But, I feel like today...
I like my blog man. So, whatever. =P
It's funny looking back on the things you've written.
Especially when you can understand the person who wrote them and are suddenly, in a moment of breathless realization, made aware of the fact that this person no longer exists.
It's true, your yesterdays self is not the same you today.
You have new opinions. You've experienced some new things. You've questioned your beliefs. You're more sure. You're less sure. Your right leg has shrunk a little bit. Your right leg was always shorter you're just more aware. You're happier. You're as happy as you've ever been. You're not as happy as you want to be.
I know I had a point, and now I'm feeling like I've babbled myself into a bit of confusion and I can't remember the point.
But, going back to that post I wrote in the month of January, I'll say that I was right.
2011 is definitely the year of big change.
I'm still the same person, basically. But, so much as already changed that I finally understood what a sneaky lil' rat change can be. It just lurks around the corner. Creepily.
You'd think it would just pounce out of the shadow and shock the living mundaneness out of me. (I'm sure it does that in some cases) But, no. Not to me.
To me change came disguised as duty, friendly responsibility that smiled and stood next to me and whispered under her breath that if you don't step up now, I'm going to screw you over.
So of course, I obliged.
You don't turn down those threatening mob bosses who grin and say "you'll get that done, won't you?" in all their rhetorical glory.
For you know, failure to rise to the occasion and the job, will only end... simply put, badly.
So, yes, in my extremely wordy, beating around the bush fashion what I'm saying is, that change coaxed me into making it.
I went to assist a friend for her Psychology practicals, and she did something called the "value based test" on me.. (something to that effect, anyway)
It was supposed to turn up a result on the kind of person I am, based on my answering a whole bunch of random multiple choice questions, based on pretty much everything!
Before starting, she had to do what these Psycho people call, a case history...
All that means is that she asked questions to understand how I perceived myself.
This would later be compared to the actual test results.
I was pretty surprised to see, my perception of myself was suddenly way off what the test showed me to be. Of course, thoughts like "She's just a student, I'm sure she effed up somewhere." crossed my mind. (Sorry Tay, they did.)
But, my mind doesn't easily dismiss things like this and *dramatic music* -- of course! -- introspection.
So, the test result showed that I was high on the "theoretical". Sort of balanced out on the political, religious, etc. etc. and I scored lowest on "social".
*jaw drops* What? Nooo!!
Well, yes.
The case history showed that I thought of myself as an outgoing, social animal. Which quite frankly I really was. (Still am to certain extents...)
But, after thinking about my life the past few months, it finally makes sense.
I realize, the test might actually be right for some reasons I didn't even notice.
It's like change pulled a fast one on me.
This is how it happened, by my reasoning, anyway.
Today I'm free from the burden of education for a little while, but the build up to this point was laden with tonnes of work. So, I decided to prioritize.
My emotional disposition a few months ago, for reasons I'll keep to myself, was not helping the concentration I needed to get through the fourth year. And I figured the only way to get this stuff done and out of the way, was drastic measures.
Kidding myself in the past with, "I can handle everything" obviously didn't work too well...
So, *ta-daa* .. Isolation.
I literally cut off from everything.
Well, MOST things.
I still kept some things going, for fear of losing my mind, 'cause this was all so new to me.
(Trust me, it's hard for extremely socially active people to suddenly stop being that way)
But I forced myself.
I had lots of stuff to sort out in my filled-with-everything head AND I had the academic mumbo jumbo to deal with. (It's easy for me to ignore that, when I'm weak to social distractions)
But this time was different.
I took everything head on.
Hard as it was, once in a while, I got used to doing things on my own. To not having to have to call someone to talk to or chill with when I had some extra time. I slept regularly. Didn't push work to ridiculously odd hours 'cause of some extremely unimportant social engagement. I started reading lots of stuff online, informative stuff, and keeping up with the news! If you knew me you'd know I was always vague about the news. But, suddenly this whole interest in information developed. And not just pointlessly, but because I realized that there is so much going on out there that we know nothing about. That we NEED to know. It's good to be happy where you are, loving your life. But it's better when you're doing that, all the while acutely aware that you are part of something much bigger.
It felt good to be doing things and celebrating some of my capabilities.
It was humbling to see that I was no where close to being exceptionally good at anything.
It is scary to know that no matter how much I try, nothing I ever do to make anything better, will ever be enough.
And, it's empowering to know that the little I can do will still make a difference.
And the littlest of a positive difference matters just as much as the biggest.
It's all relative.
So, yeah. The test says "theoretical" over "social".
And it's something I am more than willing to accept.
I don't know what kind of person I will be tomorrow and what will have changed me.
I know that I'm alright for now.
And there's nothing really to ask for.
Doing my thing, whatever it is, and taking it as it comes works for me.
I'm happy.
I'm sure I could be happier and obviously I could be sadder but thinking about it like that just nullifies the happiness that exists. It's like it doesn't matter 'cause it's being compared.
And, happiness matters.
Happiness matters a lot.
If you're happy and you know it,
own it.
If you know who you are, I hope you love it.
The eye sinks inward, and the heart lies plain,
And what we mean, we say, and what we would, we know.
A man becomes aware of his life's flow..."
From 'The Buried Life' by Matthew Arnold
That's how I ended the second post of this year..I was thinking today about how I haven't 'really' blogged in a while..
Not that there's anything wrong with that. But, I feel like today...
I like my blog man. So, whatever. =P
It's funny looking back on the things you've written.
Especially when you can understand the person who wrote them and are suddenly, in a moment of breathless realization, made aware of the fact that this person no longer exists.
It's true, your yesterdays self is not the same you today.
You have new opinions. You've experienced some new things. You've questioned your beliefs. You're more sure. You're less sure. Your right leg has shrunk a little bit. Your right leg was always shorter you're just more aware. You're happier. You're as happy as you've ever been. You're not as happy as you want to be.
I know I had a point, and now I'm feeling like I've babbled myself into a bit of confusion and I can't remember the point.
But, going back to that post I wrote in the month of January, I'll say that I was right.
2011 is definitely the year of big change.
I'm still the same person, basically. But, so much as already changed that I finally understood what a sneaky lil' rat change can be. It just lurks around the corner. Creepily.
You'd think it would just pounce out of the shadow and shock the living mundaneness out of me. (I'm sure it does that in some cases) But, no. Not to me.
To me change came disguised as duty, friendly responsibility that smiled and stood next to me and whispered under her breath that if you don't step up now, I'm going to screw you over.
So of course, I obliged.
You don't turn down those threatening mob bosses who grin and say "you'll get that done, won't you?" in all their rhetorical glory.
For you know, failure to rise to the occasion and the job, will only end... simply put, badly.
So, yes, in my extremely wordy, beating around the bush fashion what I'm saying is, that change coaxed me into making it.
I went to assist a friend for her Psychology practicals, and she did something called the "value based test" on me.. (something to that effect, anyway)
It was supposed to turn up a result on the kind of person I am, based on my answering a whole bunch of random multiple choice questions, based on pretty much everything!
Before starting, she had to do what these Psycho people call, a case history...
All that means is that she asked questions to understand how I perceived myself.
This would later be compared to the actual test results.
I was pretty surprised to see, my perception of myself was suddenly way off what the test showed me to be. Of course, thoughts like "She's just a student, I'm sure she effed up somewhere." crossed my mind. (Sorry Tay, they did.)
But, my mind doesn't easily dismiss things like this and *dramatic music* -- of course! -- introspection.
So, the test result showed that I was high on the "theoretical". Sort of balanced out on the political, religious, etc. etc. and I scored lowest on "social".
*jaw drops* What? Nooo!!
Well, yes.
The case history showed that I thought of myself as an outgoing, social animal. Which quite frankly I really was. (Still am to certain extents...)
But, after thinking about my life the past few months, it finally makes sense.
I realize, the test might actually be right for some reasons I didn't even notice.
It's like change pulled a fast one on me.
This is how it happened, by my reasoning, anyway.
Today I'm free from the burden of education for a little while, but the build up to this point was laden with tonnes of work. So, I decided to prioritize.
My emotional disposition a few months ago, for reasons I'll keep to myself, was not helping the concentration I needed to get through the fourth year. And I figured the only way to get this stuff done and out of the way, was drastic measures.
Kidding myself in the past with, "I can handle everything" obviously didn't work too well...
So, *ta-daa* .. Isolation.
I literally cut off from everything.
Well, MOST things.
I still kept some things going, for fear of losing my mind, 'cause this was all so new to me.
(Trust me, it's hard for extremely socially active people to suddenly stop being that way)
But I forced myself.
I had lots of stuff to sort out in my filled-with-everything head AND I had the academic mumbo jumbo to deal with. (It's easy for me to ignore that, when I'm weak to social distractions)
But this time was different.
I took everything head on.
Hard as it was, once in a while, I got used to doing things on my own. To not having to have to call someone to talk to or chill with when I had some extra time. I slept regularly. Didn't push work to ridiculously odd hours 'cause of some extremely unimportant social engagement. I started reading lots of stuff online, informative stuff, and keeping up with the news! If you knew me you'd know I was always vague about the news. But, suddenly this whole interest in information developed. And not just pointlessly, but because I realized that there is so much going on out there that we know nothing about. That we NEED to know. It's good to be happy where you are, loving your life. But it's better when you're doing that, all the while acutely aware that you are part of something much bigger.
It felt good to be doing things and celebrating some of my capabilities.
It was humbling to see that I was no where close to being exceptionally good at anything.
It is scary to know that no matter how much I try, nothing I ever do to make anything better, will ever be enough.
And, it's empowering to know that the little I can do will still make a difference.
And the littlest of a positive difference matters just as much as the biggest.
It's all relative.
So, yeah. The test says "theoretical" over "social".
And it's something I am more than willing to accept.
I don't know what kind of person I will be tomorrow and what will have changed me.
I know that I'm alright for now.
And there's nothing really to ask for.
Doing my thing, whatever it is, and taking it as it comes works for me.
I'm happy.
I'm sure I could be happier and obviously I could be sadder but thinking about it like that just nullifies the happiness that exists. It's like it doesn't matter 'cause it's being compared.
And, happiness matters.
Happiness matters a lot.
If you're happy and you know it,
own it.
If you know who you are, I hope you love it.
If you don't, I hope you find it.
I'm at peace with being somewhere in the middle of those two, for now.
I'm at peace with being somewhere in the middle of those two, for now.
